Today was day 4 of Kindergarten and I pretended not to hear Annelise this morning when she said she did not need me to walk her to her classroom. Thank goodness she did not say, "I don't want you to ..." that would have really hurt.
And yet. Still.
Her surprise exertions of independence, while normal and a sign of confidence, maturity, self-reliance, blah, blah, BLAH, have the ability to cut me to the quick and squish my heart like a bug.
Hence my coping mechanism of fake deafness. How long can I get away with that?
I am trying to adjust to the huge chasm of emptiness and quiet while she is at school. I feel a little on edge, antsy. Like I need, should, MUST be doing something productive and useful but I'm not quite sure what that is. Yet.
Yesterday I grocery shopped and as I grabbed the HEB reusable bags I realized that climbing over the seats is Annelise's job (not that I climbed over the seats to get them, I just lifted the hatch, not as fun but...) and that I had to tackle HEB alone. Yes, it was a little easier and a little faster, but I still missed her.
I feel like I am compensating for my emotions over this new-life-stage-change-thingie by cooking and baking and doing laundry. There's only so much baking you can do (Paula Deen's peach cobbler last night and maybe cookies this afternoon) before you see the effects and laundry ebbs and flows every few days. Then what do I do? I don't want to be a shopper or be an errand runner to fill the time. There's exercise to do and creative things to work on. I also have other projects and a birthday party to plan.
And yet. Still.
I feel antsy. Not quite myself.
Who IS this new self anyway, this self that has more than a handful of hours alone each day?
I don't know. Yet.