9.28.2011

Insomnia Bites

I did not sleep well last night.

Well, between the hours of 10 and 3:30 I was golden, but then things got rocky.

Maybe it's due to the after school grande iced coffee I had (while Scott and Annelise got snow cones) or hormones or off kilter sleep rhythms or SOMETHING ELSE UNFAIR, but my eyes popped open at 3:30 and I had the hardest time getting back to sleep.

The fact that one of the songs from TurboFire kept playing on repeat across my brain did not help.

I finally dozed off again at some point, only to be awakened by my phone alarm at 5:30 telling me to get up and go run.

As if.

Cue attempts to doze off again.

All of this to say I ended up having weird (like they should have a capital W weird) dreams and then rampant weird thoughts after. Which is, of course, so nice.

Have I mentioned that I've been rather freaked out (off and on, not like all the time) ever since I turned 42? Back in November? No? Well, it's true.

I realize I don't talk too often here on the ol' blog about serious life issue kind of stuff, deeper thoughts (not so much like Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey on SNL though) and sometimes I wonder if maybe I should or worry that maybe no one wants to read heavier stuff. And then I remember that this is my blog after all, so whatever.

My mom died when she was 42.

(See why I've been freaking out all year?)*

It was April 1983 and I was 14.

Everything happened so fast, like in a handful of days, and we (my dad and I) were in shock and just stumbled through the following days, weeks and months as best we could. Which as I am realizing now, as an adult, was probably not the best, healthiest manner. Since it hurt both of us to talk about my mom we ended up hardly ever doing so. Without ever intending it, she became this memory that we both stored away in the attics of our brains and hearts but hardly discussed.

And now I'm feeling the need to dig around in my *attic* a bit. And maybe talk more about what I find in there out here on the blog.

(Please don't run away, m'kay?)

*Okay, not really freaking out, but definitely thinking more about time and relationships and legacy and purpose and past and future and making the most of every day (and heaping tons of guilt on my head about NOT doing so) and mother-daughter relationships and the lack thereof, etcetera, etcetera, etcETERA (said in my best Yul Brynner voice). And at 3:30 am no less. To the tune of TurboFire (1,2,3,4 All You Girls Get on the Floor).

6 comments:

  1. That makes perfect sense.

    I am sorry you're mind is full, especially since it's keeping you up at night. Everything is so much worse at 3:30 in the morning.

    Perhaps some early morning blog posts would help? With both issues?

    Good luck, friend.

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  2. It makes sense to me. It would seem pretty normal to make that connection. Get it all out on the blog, we will be here waiting :)

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  3. My husband has been making recent and trips to California for work...He goes and comes back all in the same day...He is up and out of the house by 2am on those days..That means I am up as well...Tossing and turning...Until my alarm is off at 5:30am to start my day..Then when he gets home we are both bone tired and asleep at some crazy time..Is like 7pm too early? But I do tend to have bouts of insomnia as well..My mind never shuts down..And all I have is 2 words...IT STINKS...Sorry girl..

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  4. i'll stick around!
    also? i'm often up at 3:30 a.m., though it's usually because of dreams about the zombie apocalypse.

    if you ever need company, just @ me!! <3

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  5. My MIL has been going through some of hew own stuff related to something similar. Her mother died when she was 62 (I think?) and my MIL has had major anxiety about turning that age. She really has never confronted her grief, in my uninformed opinion.

    Please talk to whoever you need to talk to, whether it is here or elsewhere.

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  6. Your serious posts are my favorites, so keep 'em coming. I'll always be here. I don't always comment, but I'm always here.

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