On Mother's Day

It's nice to have a day to celebrate mothers isn't it?

While the rational side of me agrees with this, the emotional side of me gets all kinds of messed up.
After all these years.
Not in a uncontrollable-can't-function-wallow-under-the-covers-in-a-fetal-position-heap or anything, but it's bittersweet.

I wish I could talk to my mom and grandmother. I wish they knew Annelise. I wish she knew them. I wish I had had more time with them. More memories. More stories. More influence.
There's just this emptiness and longing inside me for a mother and grandmother. It's not as raging as it used to be, it's softer, but it's still there. After almost 30 years.

On Mother's Day I think about all of those things even more, like it's amplified in digital surround sound. I remember my years of infertility and longing to be pregnant and give birth (yes, really). I remember that time of hope and loss and emptiness. I think about those that might be aching over those same longings. I think about Annelise's birth mother out there somewhere. I think about adoption. I think about being a mom and all the things I think I do wrong and pat myself on the back when I get it right. I think about regrets and the future. I think about friends that are missing their mothers or grandmothers on this Hallmark holiday.

All those feelings swirl around in my head like an emotional egg roll, yet I somehow manage (usually) to put on a happy face and soldier on.

As you do.
Scott and Annelise showered me with treats which was sweet.
My favorite was Annelise's card she made for me at school.
That's me.
And this is what she wrote about me.
I have been on a roasted veggie with avocado kick lately, but I'm surprised she forgot to mention my Tex-Mex addiction as well.
They gave me a new Otterbox cover for my phone which was highly appreciated because my old one was all stretched out at the bottom and let all kinds of dirt and dust into my phone (it was the older version, this new one is for the iPhone 4s and is much tighter and less rubbery feeling).
I like the pink and grey!
They also gave me lotion to go with the new-ish fragrance I've been wearing lately (Euphoria by Calvin Klein--it was really hard for me to go back to Calvin after my late 80s early 90s break-up with Eternity).
And my favorite flower, tulips.

After scrambling off in a flurry for bible class and church (no relaxing breakfast & coffee in bed!) and scrambling back home after to make the icing for a lemon cake, starting laundry, and quickly opening gifts before scrambling over to my dad and Peggy's house for a yummy BBQ lunch with her family and an afternoon of swimming, basketball, dog-chasing and boys against girls baseball for Annelise and the rest of the kids and chit-chat, coffee drinking and golf tourney watching for the grown-ups.

Which are all the makings of a nice day.

How was your Mother's Day?


  1. Oh, I understand. The emotions hit me hard for a brief moment yesterday, too. I'm glad the busy day was full of good times for you, as well. Annelise's picture/essay is super cute!

  2. That card is the BEST and it looks just like you! That A is a keeper!!!!!

  3. I thought of you yesterday. I'm sorry it's still kind of hard, but I'm so glad you have A and that it was still a sweet day.


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